This Years Love
by Rob5
Summary: A journey into the mind of John Carter. His musings about a particular situation with a particular woman. Try and guess who.... ;)


Title: This Years Love  
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com  
Archive: Not without permission please  
Category: Carter Angst  
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts  
Spoilers: All of season 7  
Author's notes: This is what comes out of my brain at two in the morning. Scary huh? ;)  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters presented in this fic. They are all the property of all the peeps at NBC  
Summary: A journey into the mind of John Carter. His musings about a particular situation with a particular woman. Try and guess who.... ;)  
  
  
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Mistake after mistake after mistake....  
  
He hates being courageous. There are moments in his life where he forgets who he is and says something or does something or even *thinks * something that he shouldn't have, or wouldn't have normally. He lives in a world of cowardice, and then for some reason he just thinks, "fuck it" and does what he wants to do. Anything wrong with that? Not for some but for him its just plain idiotic. He's spent most of his life complying with things, giving in even though he wants something better or knows that there is a more reasonable solution. He doesn't speak up because that's just the way he is.  
  
But then it happens. He can't quite explain what exactly goes on in his head which is perhaps more frightening. He loses the power of rational though. Then he does it, or says it, or thinks it. The consequences come rushing back and hit him hard in the chest but he doesn't think about them. He spends what seems like hours but is in fact seconds thinking about what could go wrong and that he is not going to do it. Then he does it anyway. It's happened too many times this time.  
  
For at least a year he's dreamt about the moment he told her. It always had a happy ending and it always ended the same way. A hug, a kiss, and the cheesy music in the background, you know the familiar clichés. He never thinks about the hurt that could come out of it which, judging by his track record, is quite possibly the inevitable. Maybe because he has so much shit to deal with in life dreams are a way of escaping the pain, the pain of real life.  
  
The happy ending is there if he wants it. He just doesn't know how to get there.  
  
Wondering if there was ever going to be a right time always plunged him into depression, something that everyone could spot, even her. But then again she could read him like a book so it shouldn't have surprised him.  
  
Then he did it.  
  
He had one of those moments, for some reason he threw his anxiety out of the window and said it. He never did find out if she actually understood what he meant, but a small part of him didn't care. What he had been dying to say but couldn't because he was too cowardly came out in a split second decision. And that was it. No discussion, no realisation, no happy endings yet. He had to wait again. Which was what he had been doing for the past year, so he had got pretty good at it by now.  
  
So it was left hanging, of course communication was unavoidable. Maybe they both felt obligated to keep the contemporaries from figuring it out. It was their little secret, so secret that they weren't even allowed to talk to each other about it.  
  
Part of him was relieved that this was happening. It allowed him to pretend that it never happened, something he always liked to do. But then again there was the little part of him chipping away at his subconscious that was realistic. "Hey!" it said, "that actually happened... aren't you going to say anything about it?" At odds again. Which one to choose. He wants to pretend it never happened, but he wants to find out what it means for both of them. Which one does he choose?  
  
Flip a coin flip a coin flip a coin flip a coin  
  
There was no way to decide. He was disappointed, but relieved at the same time. Is that emotionally possible? Who knows? The fact that its hanging in the air means that he doesn't know how to react to it. That is the hardest part, not being in control of the most important thing in your life.  
  
He has become so used to rejection that he expects it now. After being so sure for so long everything he thought he knew has just flown out of the window. Now there is no clarity, just confusion. He doesn't know what to say, what to do, or what to think.  
  
He needs one of those moments again.  
  
First time for everything huh? Never wanted it before, now he needs it.  
  
No happy endings yet. Just a whole lot of confusion and a tormented soul who doesn't know whether to be happy or sad. Love can be a wonderful thing.  



End file.
